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So I started writing a memoir, but decided I am going to make a fictional biography where it is loosely based on my life with chronic pain. I think it will be more fun and open my thoughts and imagination. I need to get my brain moving more again. Oh and I decided to get bariatric weight lose surgery. No thyroid or girlie parts to help manage my weight...its been extremely hard. Oh and I got covid in January and now I have labyrinthitis. I cant walk on my own. Getting better. Inner ear issues suck. I cant drive either. I feel like a baby learning to walk. Lol. It's getting better but still needing my mother to come help me to my doc appts. Taking me to the ER to get checked and steroid shots. She's been a real hero for me lately. Thank you mom. The kids have been helping me walk around too. It's cute and sweet to see raelynn holding my hands and guiding me as if she could help me from falling. I would squish her. Lol. I just took my 3rd day of steroids and it's almost midnight. I dont know why I put it in my PM medications. Augh. Hoping my other meds counter it and I get some sleep. It also didnt help I didnt realize I took the steroids until after I swelled them. Lol. Augh!!! Still waiting on my backpay and official documents for ssdi. I was told mid March would be the latest. It's been hard. The major depression is no joke. I try to pretend and fake smile. But it doesnt help a lot of the time. With chronic pain I just dont know what to do anymore. My psych wants to start me on viibryd but my insurance doesnt want to cover it. So going the assistance route with the viibryd company. I hate pharmaceutical companies. Hundreds to thousands of dollars for medications. So not cool. Gonna try to sleep.

Can not tell if I'm still having covid symptoms or it's just my usual pains and aches.... it's crazy how similar the pain feels to covid. So a little enlightenment. If you have had covid the symptoms are fairly close in regards to body pain, fatigue, sore throat, headache , etc to fibromyalgia.. And people wonder why I cant be more of an optimist. It is hard!! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. So my heart rate has been increasing with simple tasks...like 135 bpm when I was doing laundry, etc. Sweating and palpitations. Getting a cardiogram and 3 day heart monitor next week. Was told NOT to exercise or do anything that might increase my heart rate. Ha. Not so easy! Maybe get some answers soon and how I can exercise and loose weight if we get this figured out. Still waiting on ssdi quality review. Grawr. I feel paralyzed like I cant do anything until ssdi is figured out. Like I've been holding my breath for over a year.

So my throat is on fire. Getting better though. Had a dream I had a terrible headache though. In my dream the head pain was intense. Why do I have dreams of being in pain?? I don't wake up refreshed. I just wake up feeling irked. Blahhh. I feel like my kids deserve better. I feel like I am still battling believing this is my life. Despite it being 25 years of this crap. I should just accept this is the best it will get and be happy I am at least alive. That is so hard to do though because who wants to live like that? I think I am on the acceptance stage. I think once I actually accept it I will feel better mentally. It is just so hard because somedays feel "normal" enough that I forget how chronic flares feel like. But then when the flare hits me I'm a train wreck and fall to pieces. A reminder that my health is unpredictable and unknowing despite how much I try to find a pattern. Crawling up into a ball and medicating myself with muscle relaxers and tramadol. Just trying to get a sense of calm from my overactive nerves and neuropathy and the muscle pain. It's hard not to go crazy.

Well I have covid. I think it would Have been alot worse if i has not gotten the booster vaccine. My heart rate has been fluctuating alot too. Er doc said I should request a heart monitor. The ekg was abnormal. Hope my doctors take it seriously. Gonna sleep now.

So along with my medical history ssdi got me a mental health eval. I want to be hopeful and say it went well. But I am scared to be hopeful. I try not to be pessimistic but its so hard to be optimistic about this stuff. I am 99% sure the therapist empathized with me, but was it enough to grant a positive referral for ssdi? My brain feels like it is going at a thousand miles an hour, but my body is sluggish. Blah. I think that is why I am able to write so much. I have so much going on in my head and I visualize so many things...its just so hard to keep up with the thoughts and hard to keep organized. Being ADHD most sucks. I know it is probably gloomy and sad to say but I really hope this mental health thing is enough for a positive decision. I am trying so hard to be positive. I just get so annoyed and angry with the government system regarding this. It takes way to long to decide these things in my opinion. I can totally see how someone gives up and suicide is an option for those who are truly disabled but are not taken seriously or listened to. I have had my fair share of days where I feel like I am a burden on my family. I am causing stress and annoyance for them. But at the same time I want to be alive. I dont want to die and be ultimately forgotten. I dont want to have to end it all. I dont want to put my family through that either. I think of my kids and cant imagine the events me being gone could cause. But you really see no other choices. The pros outweigh the cons. I've been battling it every day. I keep telling myself my kids need me. What I am subjecting them too is not the worst thing in the world. What I mean is seeing me sick all the time. To be quit honest my family has it good compared to others and what it could be. It is so hard to not have a plague over me every moment of my life. If this wasnt something I dealt with since I was a preteen, I think things would have been so much different. I dont know what life is like without pain. The feeling of no pain I've felt most of my life is if I pop medications, especially an opiate. I should be rewarded for not being an addict. That is proof I want to live and enjoy my life. I want to smile and love and laugh. I dont want to be here writing a post about pain and anxiety and depression everyday. I dont want this! I want to be able to make plans and stick to them. I want to be needed at work for something important. I want to be someone who can be relied on. But I cant. I am not dependable. I am unpredictable while being predictable at the same time. Who wants to work with someone like that? I get no sleep these days. I cant process my thoughts. I cant remember whole conversations. The best thing I am good at is remembering vividly pointless times in my life. My ex boss said it plainly when he said he was, "having trouble with me as an employee". That was after I spent HOURS making sure an entire department other than our own got paid. Over 60 employees were depending on ME. He was the one who said I could probably do it as well. So he put me in a position where I lost sleep and migraines everyday because the way you pay employees there is ridiculous. Literally need to code into each class for each faculty how many credits they need, etc. You know how many credits there are for English, different languages, math, etc? Not to mention I was in charge of my own departments faculty pay. Not to mention also some of the co workers were assholes about getting their pay and do not understand how it works. I understand pay is important, I was living paycheck to paycheck. But being rude and ungrateful to the person doing the coding for it was asinine at best. It took me a LONG TIME. I was starting to get sick more too. My thought process was being ruined for various reasons. Medications were causing my thought process to slow down. I was forgetting things on a regular basis. Being burnt out is an understatement. Gratification from my ex boss was an understatement as well. Temperament and incredibly rude co workers as well (not all of them, a select few). Back stabbing, egotistical behavior. A few seem to have nothing but time to bicker about each other. One in particular extremely rude and ever since I called the guy out I got attitude from upper management. But alas, i got too sick at that point to care anymore. I needed a total hysterectomy and ovaries removed. I cleaned my office out before taking my fmla. I had not made the decision to quit yet, and I stopped bothering to communicate with my boss about anything at the time, unless it was absolutely needed. I didn't feel like there was any point to. He was pushing me out with his attitude towards me anyway. He lost my trust as a boss, as he, I am sure, lost his trust in me as an employee who he could depend on. The aggro and passive aggression was enough. I once said I would have to be pushed out of my job because I loved it so much. Well, he definitely pushed me out and knew what he was doing. I decided towards the end of my FMLA to quit. I didnt want to endure anymore abuse from the place. Especially after a co worker publically emailed the entire department berating me. And yes I took it straight to HR. I didnt have any trust in my boss at the time he would take it seriously. I cried a lot. Mainly because I had exhausted myself trying to get more than 50 faculty paid, correctly. The lack of empathy and understanding was appauling, considering it is a healthcare school system. Changing to another topic: My threshold for pain is taking up all of my RAM in my memory. I have no more room for laughter or smiles. Mixed in with my RAM is SECONDARY depression and anxiety. All of these things take up all of my energy and leave none for expression. Expressing happiness is exhausting. It's weird but it is how it feels to me. It is exhausting to laugh. Hopefully 2023 will have more positives then set backs. We will see.

This entire week I've been having nightmares that leave me disturbed when I wake up instead of well rested. Despite how many hours I get of sleep. That nightmare just destroys any restfullness I had. So I was hoping to use the child tax credit for groceries and utilities and medical Bill's. Ends up not being something I can get because despite having 2 kids the child tax credit is not refundable so nope.... cant use that despite a great need for it. I have an appt with a social security psych tomorrow at noon. I'm super nervous but I just need to be honest and open and be ready to tell my story (again). Hundreds of times I am sure now. Tell my symptoms and life and how my health has kept me from working and being a dependable person in general, it feels. My legs have been killing me today. Jesus. Oh and I left to get medications, had to wait because they got the wrong ones ready. (Probably just my fault). But then I noticed my car tire was nearly depleted. So I tried adding air and then realized after sitting there for 5 minutes for it to inflate there is a piece of metal and glass in the tire!!! Seriously? I have no idea how long it had been there. Got that fixed thankfully. I didnt realize how close a tire place was to my home. But then I realized I still needed to get my correct meds and gas. Lol..... oye. I wrote a page of my memoir today Saw hogwarts legacy is not going to be on ps4 until April. Seriously? Only ps5 and PC and I think xbox? Whyyyy????? Now i am trying to decide if i should do the computer or wait until april for the ps4 version. I'm so broken about it. Ha. I started rereading Harry Potter to get back into the mood. I started watching a youtuber with the username of healthygamergg. I think its GG.... I learned a lot about adhd...

Well 2 of 5 of us have covid. 3 of 5 of us have symptoms. So I am just treating myself as if I do just incase. I'm so tired. Lack of sleep. Hormones keeping me up. Need a new estrogen patch me thinks. Too tired to type. Sleep more.

Have you ever experienced restless leg syndrome? I have it but it also creeps up my back. It is torture. I feel it in my chest. The closest thing I can relate the sensation too is when you get that sudden anxiety zing in your chest. Do you know what I mean? It is TORTURE! I cant sleep because of it. I take propranolol for it but lately it has not been helping nearly as much as it used to. Gonna stretch as much as I can. Gonna try to make some good chocolate muffins tomorrow for raelynn. We will see how it goes! I had THE BEST chocolate red velvet muffins in PR. I must figure the recipe as close as possible. I am not a fan of unneccessary food coloring though so I think I'll just leave it chocolate brown. Gonna work on crocheting tomorrow I think. Seriously need to do laundry. Mike has covid. :-( so I should probably at least get tested. Be patient, be positive, breath. Oh I want a nose ring. Trying to find who I am again. I used to be alot funnier. I miss that person. How do you find the person you used to be when you dont recognize yourself in the mirror? I've been sick for so long...who am I? Did I mention I have a doc appt for SSDI finally? FINALLY.

What a crazy day. The docs office was an hour behind. But after being barraged by information I will have to do a psych evaluation, do 7 months of dietitian work work and after getting the procedure I would have to make sure I change my habits for life with supplements for life. I am not sure I want to go this route for sure yet. I am glad I went and got the consult etc. But, it seems like a lot. Maybe in 6 months I will have lost some weight snd wont do the surgery anyway. We will see. More later. Long day. Back hurts. Legs hurt. Stretching and light exercise and some gaming maybe.

So everyone I talk to, (therapist, family and friends) say i should try to get a consult for weight loss surgery. Well, so I got one tomorrow. I've been battling myself if it is something I should really look into. I know some people who would consider it a dramatic decision, and it is. But, does it have a more pro vs con to it? I've gained 90 lbs the past 6 years. Started with the pregnancy of my daughter, then removal of my thyroid and then covid 19 happened. And then needing a hysterectomy and ovaries removed. I dont regret any of those things, - minus covid 19 - , but my body has been through the ringer. Fibromyalgia and neuropathy make it extremely hard to loose weight by working out. The type of working out you need to loose weight sets my flares off and then sets me back a week at least. Feeling like I've got the flu. I have talked to my doctors and therapist and they have seen body pain be reduced after weight loss surgery and I can imagine just the excess weight being taken off helps tremendously. Given I am on hormone therapy for estrogen and thyroid it will be extremely hard to loose the weight. I'm on a plateau too. Anyway, I feel excited for it. I qualify for it. My mom said she will be there to help me afterwards as I heal....that is if I go through with it. I have been dealing with body pain yesterday and through the day today as well. Trying to stretch as much as possible mostly. I am paranoid I will cause a flare. I miss the weather during vacation. I felt like I could breath better for sure. Will update after the appt tomorrow. Wish me luck. Stay positive.