So along with my medical history ssdi got me a mental health eval. I want to be hopeful and say it went well. But I am scared to be hopeful. I try not to be pessimistic but its so hard to be optimistic about this stuff. I am 99% sure the therapist empathized with me, but was it enough to grant a positive referral for ssdi?
My brain feels like it is going at a thousand miles an hour, but my body is sluggish. Blah. I think that is why I am able to write so much. I have so much going on in my head and I visualize so many things...its just so hard to keep up with the thoughts and hard to keep organized. Being ADHD most sucks.
I know it is probably gloomy and sad to say but I really hope this mental health thing is enough for a positive decision. I am trying so hard to be positive. I just get so annoyed and angry with the government system regarding this. It takes way to long to decide these things in my opinion. I can totally see how someone gives up and suicide is an option for those who are truly disabled but are not taken seriously or listened to.
I have had my fair share of days where I feel like I am a burden on my family. I am causing stress and annoyance for them. But at the same time I want to be alive. I dont want to die and be ultimately forgotten. I dont want to have to end it all. I dont want to put my family through that either. I think of my kids and cant imagine the events me being gone could cause. But you really see no other choices. The pros outweigh the cons.
I've been battling it every day. I keep telling myself my kids need me. What I am subjecting them too is not the worst thing in the world. What I mean is seeing me sick all the time. To be quit honest my family has it good compared to others and what it could be. It is so hard to not have a plague over me every moment of my life. If this wasnt something I dealt with since I was a preteen, I think things would have been so much different. I dont know what life is like without pain. The feeling of no pain I've felt most of my life is if I pop medications, especially an opiate. I should be rewarded for not being an addict.
That is proof I want to live and enjoy my life. I want to smile and love and laugh. I dont want to be here writing a post about pain and anxiety and depression everyday. I dont want this! I want to be able to make plans and stick to them. I want to be needed at work for something important. I want to be someone who can be relied on. But I cant. I am not dependable. I am unpredictable while being predictable at the same time. Who wants to work with someone like that? I get no sleep these days. I cant process my thoughts. I cant remember whole conversations. The best thing I am good at is remembering vividly pointless times in my life.
My ex boss said it plainly when he said he was, "having trouble with me as an employee". That was after I spent HOURS making sure an entire department other than our own got paid. Over 60 employees were depending on ME. He was the one who said I could probably do it as well. So he put me in a position where I lost sleep and migraines everyday because the way you pay employees there is ridiculous. Literally need to code into each class for each faculty how many credits they need, etc. You know how many credits there are for English, different languages, math, etc? Not to mention I was in charge of my own departments faculty pay. Not to mention also some of the co workers were assholes about getting their pay and do not understand how it works. I understand pay is important, I was living paycheck to paycheck. But being rude and ungrateful to the person doing the coding for it was asinine at best.
It took me a LONG TIME. I was starting to get sick more too. My thought process was being ruined for various reasons. Medications were causing my thought process to slow down. I was forgetting things on a regular basis. Being burnt out is an understatement. Gratification from my ex boss was an understatement as well.
Temperament and incredibly rude co workers as well (not all of them, a select few). Back stabbing, egotistical behavior. A few seem to have nothing but time to bicker about each other. One in particular extremely rude and ever since I called the guy out I got attitude from upper management.
But alas, i got too sick at that point to care anymore. I needed a total hysterectomy and ovaries removed. I cleaned my office out before taking my fmla. I had not made the decision to quit yet, and I stopped bothering to communicate with my boss about anything at the time, unless it was absolutely needed. I didn't feel like there was any point to. He was pushing me out with his attitude towards me anyway. He lost my trust as a boss, as he, I am sure, lost his trust in me as an employee who he could depend on. The aggro and passive aggression was enough. I once said I would have to be pushed out of my job because I loved it so much. Well, he definitely pushed me out and knew what he was doing.
I decided towards the end of my FMLA to quit. I didnt want to endure anymore abuse from the place. Especially after a co worker publically emailed the entire department berating me. And yes I took it straight to HR. I didnt have any trust in my boss at the time he would take it seriously. I cried a lot. Mainly because I had exhausted myself trying to get more than 50 faculty paid, correctly. The lack of empathy and understanding was appauling, considering it is a healthcare school system.
Changing to another topic:
My threshold for pain is taking up all of my RAM in my memory. I have no more room for laughter or smiles. Mixed in with my RAM is SECONDARY depression and anxiety. All of these things take up all of my energy and leave none for expression. Expressing happiness is exhausting. It's weird but it is how it feels to me. It is exhausting to laugh. Hopefully 2023 will have more positives then set backs. We will see.