Dealing with covid and feeling like a crap mom

So my throat is on fire. Getting better though. Had a dream I had a terrible headache though. In my dream the head pain was intense. Why do I have dreams of being in pain?? I don't wake up refreshed. I just wake up feeling irked. Blahhh.

I feel like my kids deserve better. I feel like I am still battling believing this is my life. Despite it being 25 years of this crap. I should just accept this is the best it will get and be happy I am at least alive. That is so hard to do though because who wants to live like that? I think I am on the acceptance stage. I think once I actually accept it I will feel better mentally. It is just so hard because somedays feel "normal" enough that I forget how chronic flares feel like. But then when the flare hits me I'm a train wreck and fall to pieces. A reminder that my health is unpredictable and unknowing despite how much I try to find a pattern. Crawling up into a ball and medicating myself with muscle relaxers and tramadol. Just trying to get a sense of calm from my overactive nerves and neuropathy and the muscle pain. It's hard not to go crazy.