Venting

I need to vent.

I've been dealing with tremors. I'll have hours i am fine, but then others when im tremoring so much my head bounces a little. My voice, while in my tremor episodes, will cause my voice to sound like im vibrating. It is hard to explain in words. I noticed my stutter about a year or so ago. When I talk I will catch myself having to repeat a word because either my mouth muscles twitched or my tongue just decided not to keep moving. During therapy today I accidently blew a raspberry when I meant to speak. My mouth just decided not to open. It would be a lie if I said im not nervous or worried.

Being young and sick is sort of like being elderly, except we lack the reflection on all the great things we did long ago...Instead I feel robbed of my childhood. Had "doctors", who dismissed me and made me feel crazy. Ive watched my friends and family make memories, and take strides they will look back on fondly, while I bitterly and silently wait for my chance.

Lets be candid and real. I feel like giving up. Ive noticed myself searching in my mind for reasons why my kids would be better without me and my health struggles. They don't need my depressed and lethargic energy. Sometimes I feel like it would be a release. That it is the only thing that will make me feel free of this burden I carry with me, a weight I've had all my life. The last thing I want to do is have my kids watch me suffer and not be a good mom to them. So many things I want to do, that I am scared of doing. I'm scared of going to a theme park or a hike, that I will end up with a painful flare. The stabbing and throbbing pain in all my joints. Random episodes feeling like I am coming down with the flu, only to feel "fine"...my kind of fine anyway, the next day.

What is nearly the worst is not knowing when it will strike.

Just so you, the reader understands, im working with a therapist and a psychiatrist to get passed my depression, anxiety and PTSD. Chronic pain has plagued all of the memories I can remember...the past 25 years has been a battle. My body wants to give up. I can feel it. My brain is saying give up. If it weren't for modern day medicine I probably would have been dead by now.

But, before you send me the number to the suicide hot line, I already know those numbers and I have people to talk too. It just comes with the territory when the entire life you remember has been one ball of illnesses. Physical illness warped into mental illness. Not the other way around.

I remember -just bairly- about when the chronic pain started.. I was probably...10 or 11. I was living in California at the time. Parents were divorced but I never remember feeling upset they split. For whatever reason I have never had anxiety about my parents divorce. The anxiety came when new people started to come into my life. People id rather not acknowledge here. Let's just say at some point or another, they caused my family great pain and sorrow.

I want to document my daily feelings with a short daily blip of a video. Just a run down of what I am feeling at the moment first thing in the morning. We will see if I end up doing it.