Staying Positive with Wandering Thoughts...

Its been hard to stay positive. Especially if most of your life revolves around pain and sickness. So many things are missed out on. It is probably why I am not good at just hanging out and enjoying myself. I dont even know what that is....

I've been trying to put a smile on my face. But im worried. The next couple decisions I make are going to have a long lasting consequence for me and my family. I hope its a positive outcome...but it can take a while to reach that level.

I've been talking to my therapist weekly. She is helping me realize I AM physically sick. And there was nothing I could have done to stop it. She is trying to help me like myself by seeing through the things I hate about myself. I used to be so much more carefree.

Now I look back and it makes my stomach twist and I find myself shaking my head. Decisions I have made in the past, the good and the not so bright decisions.

Maybe the illnesses I have were going to show themselves at their strongest regardless of my decisions in life... maybe I should not blame myself. I guess it doesn't help anything if I do...

I cant help but feel guilty for being around my family, knowing I am not the most positive person. I wish I was though. How much would I pay to have these guilty and negative feelings just go away for one day?

I feel like I am failing my family. Sometimes I think I dont deserve my kids. They are so beautiful and bright and loving. Everything I wish I had been at their age. By the time I was my sons age (actually a year younger) I had started having the chronic pain I would find out was interstitial cystitis 6 years into the future.

Those 6 years where the worst years of my life. Of course a teenage life is already complicated for the most stupid reasons. How ridiculous most of us act as teenagers! The unknowing about the world. How dark and broken it is. Most would say we are living during the best time because we have all this technology and able to travel, etc.

I actually wonder how much fresh air I would have gotten if I was born during a century in the past. Maybe even two centuries. Could you imagine? We wouldn't know what we were missing. Life would be laid out with the highest priorities we have taken for granted for hundreds of years.

To be born say...10,000 years ago. Everyone's priorities would have been different. I would think it would have been less superficial. Everything you did had a reason, had a purpose.

I am trying to get to those basic necessities. I am trying to let go of the superficial ideas of how a family should be, or how I should be acting. I do have a chronic pain disease. I should wear it with pride, and maybe laugh in its face and tell my broken and scared part of me, it will be okay. Its just so scary to take that leap and let go. I am working on it...I am trying.