My back...

Well, my back has been aching incredibly today. Not just an ache but a sharp throbbing.

The first time i remember hurting my back was in grade school, I want to say 4th grade.

Remember school gyms? How hard they are, concrete underneath? Well, it had been raining and I slipped like I slipped on a banana peel. Landing on my lower back and hit the back of my head. I dont remember what happened after. I think I tried to ignore it. I dont remember my parents knowing or doing anything for me. It didn't bother me like it does now though.

The same year, again at school, I was playing soccer in a muddy field. I slipped back hit my lower back AGAIN! And you guessed it. I hit the back of my head again too. Oh and when I rolled over to try to get up the soccer ball hit me in the FACE. hit my nose, while I was in the mud, with what felt like a broken back. I dont remember who but two girls helped me up and took me to the nurses office. I remember an ice pack and my mom coming to get me. Still didn't go to the doctor. I mean, backs are not THAT important, especially when you are young and still growing. Augh. In hindsight frustration doesn't amount to the anger I used to have with my parents.

Fast forward 25ish years. I had been starting to get chronic back pain for about ten years at this point. I went and got an xray. Showed old injuries. Was told it was consistent with the falls I had when I was younger.

My last doctor I went to had me get a CT. Well, turns out I had fractured my back at some point. There were two triangle fractures in two vertebrae showing I had a fall that forced several of my vertebrae to crush up against each other and two created literal fractures. It is consistent with an old injury and with the two falls I had when I was younger. It would have caused intense pain and difficulty walking and spasms. (Yep i experienced all that and more).

Along with all of this when I was 18 I was finally diagnosed correctly with Interstitial Cystitis. To make it quick and easy to understand its basically having ulcers or one whole ulcer in your bladder exposing the nerves and veins to everything you eat and drink. So yeah, its F'n painful. I was equally grateful and equally pissed at prior doctors who dismissed me and put me through an emotional rollercoaster. I wanted to make cards with a picture of me flipping the doctor off and send it to all of the doctors who said I was a hypochondriac or just wanting attention. 4To this day I suffer from ptsd.

PTSD. Its not what you think. It can mean so many things. For me, it is if I feel well, I get extremely anxious and worried I will start to hurt again and be in chronic pain again for who knows how long. Let me give some examples.

The movies. I went to the movies this time by myself. I remember I was going to school as a single mom and my son was in daycare still and I had some time to kill. Well I felt good going in. I had no reason to think I would feel ill or in pain. I went to use the restroom before the movie and BAM it hit me hard. My bladder started to spasm so bad and so painfully my lips turned pale. I felt like I was going to faint. The only thing I wanted to do was go home and sit in the bath and cry and hope the pain goes away. I wanted to be away from people who I might have to explain myself too. I just wanted to go home.

I did go home. I never got to see the movie.

Things like that make me scared to make plans. What if I decide to go camping or go on vacation? Will I end up being in pain the whole trip and be an annoyance to anyone who went with me? Will I be looked at like im always the sick one and can never have fun? Am I just a flake for having to cancel all the time when it truly was my intention to go out with friends or family.

No. I would give almost anything to be free of this pain. Its unpredictable, painful, chronic, considered a disability now. I hate not knowing when im going to feel okay. Or how long I will feel okay. My "normal", is everyone's bad day. My unusual days are good days where I get through it without having to take tylenol and motrin interchanging all day. And when im feeling good that is when my ptsd comes in. Its weird. My ptsd is triggered when I feel well. When will the next time I feel sick be? What type of pain will it be? Will I be able to get through it this time? What kind of life is this???

Daily life of a chronic pain sufferer.