It's been a minute...

It has been a while since I last posted. I am tired. Went to see family on my partner's side. He has a huge family, so it was very eventful, but also torture for my body. I used my cane for the most part.

I am down to 50 mg of Lyrica a day. Furthermore, I feel like I can function a bit better, but still incredibly fatigued. We had to travel on two planes there and back. On the way back, it was torture. Every couple hours, I changed between Tylenol and ibuprofen and Flexeril.

It was a painful visit for my body, but much needed for my soul and mind. I was able to just sit back and try to enjoy myself. It is hard to do with kids around, though. So apart of me will forever be a bit stressed out. Especially for someone like me with complex PTSD.

The other night I had a nightmare my mother got a hold of all my medical records and was trying to keep me from getting disability, which could not be further from the truth by the way. She is praying for my disability to go through. But I woke up in a slight sweat and my heart was already racing, making my morning and afternoon feel off. That feeling something is not right...but you can not get rid of the thought. I knew it was just a nightmare, but it also had me pleading to my mom everything I said was true. In my dream, she did not believe me and nothing could change her mind. I remember crying and pleading with her on my knees in my nightmare. Awful. It brought up all those times I pleaded with my previous doctors to help me, that I was not crazy...that my depression was secondary to my pain.

I was told I should try writing a memoir. Well I started. Now I am determined to write at least two pages a day. Maybe more on a good day. I am currently in the process of writing an outline. I have no idea how to really write. Not only that, but I am not a writer in general, I got C's in English and creative writing in school. All I do is write from my heart and hope it is understood. I hope it doesn't make people cry for the wrong reasons or laugh when I did not intend it to be funny... oye. I feel like I have lost myself after being pregnant with my daughter...sickness has really taken over. Well, I'm crossing my fingers I am making the right decisions to write a memoir.

I see a doctor for weight loss on Friday. The memoir will cover my journey through that as well.