I realized...

During my appt with my therapist i realized all these years I've been trying to make sure my health does not interfere with my work.

I've just recently been able to go to the doctor and actually try to fix what is wrong. Ive slowly built a medical and emotional team of doctors. Ive got a chiropractor, physical therapist, mental therapist I see at least once a week, and a psychiatrist I see at least once a month. All of them are rooting for ME. Ive never NEVER had this kind of support before. Its scary to get my hopes up. Because for so long when I was younger and legitimately sick, adults were the liars in my life. The doctors I saw, some of the school teachers I had, family... and this is not unusual. Chronic pain survivalists are just that, survivers, and still surviving.

I can guarantee you if there were no sympathy or families or support, there would be a huge increase of suicides. How can someone justify living a live literally of torture, and not want to end that torture. For every doctor I saw that could not or did not want to help me, created a life for me that amounted to torture, in order to live.

We always hear and read about torture being inflicted on people to get the truth out. It makes me realize my body has been tortured and all of my side effects are for me to scream, I NEED HELP! My body is telling me I am being tortured inside, and I need to fix it, or my mind will start to go to the last resort option. My body is in constant flight or fight mode because of this, thus creating my anxiety to the height it is now.

I can guarantee you, if i didnt have chronic pain, my life would be so different. Ive had so many dreams. That will forever just be dreams at this point, and I am coming to terms with they are just dreams.