I am just Tired and Frustrated and a bit Angry.

1. “I’m done.”

2. “I’m exhausted.”

3. “I can’t take the pain anymore.”

4. “I just want to disappear.”

5. “I don’t want to live like this.”

6. “I’ve had enough.”

7. “I’m fine.”

8. “I’m just so tired.”

9. “This is not ‘living."

10. “I don’t know if I can keep going.”

11. “I’m sorry I’m sick.”

12. “I can’t do this anymore.”

13. "I can't be there for my kids like I want to be."

14. "It is hard to be patient with chronic pain."

15. " I wish I was able to think clearly."

16. " I wish I was a better mom."

17. "My kids deserve more than I can offer them."

One day I feel well enough to move a bit more than usual. The next day I hurt and swell up in my joints and they started to throb. I just waste away in my bed. Wanting to be forgotten.

All these phrases have gone through my mind everyday the past year.

If only when I was a child I had people who wanted to help fix me. Maybe I would at least have a better attitude about it all. Maybe I would have learned to be more patient.

Everytime I try to act happy I feel like im faking it. And I actually feel embarrassed for pretending to be happy. Or laugh about something. When all I want to do is run away.

Yesterday I had a panic attack because I didn't want anyone to look at me. I tried to wear a nicer outfit and I almost changed to something else because I am disgusted with myself how much weight I've gained and I also know my feet and legs were going to hurt and swell the second I start to walk in them. I was faking a smile the whole time. Faking I am okay. Just a fake.

These days I feel like being happy is against some sort of moral code in my thoughts. All my life I had to fake how I felt until my pain got so bad I couldn't hide it anymore. I'm tired of faking how I feel. I am frustrated. I had to quit my job, I can not provide for myself.  My kids deserve better than me.