Anger and frustration

I dont think anyone truly understands how angry and frustrated I am as a person. 99% of the time I want silence around me. Even hearing conversations near me trigger my frustration and irritability. That is no one else's problem except my own. And I realize this.

It doesn't help my bladder is hurting and my body is hurting. I feel like everyone should go on vacation and enjoy themselves while I stay behind. Who wants to be around someone like me? Someone who gets so frustrated and nearly hateful if I get to my lowest boiling point.

Alot of the time I feel like im meant to be alone. Its rare for me to act like a happy-go-lucky person. How can I be that way when I have hated my body and mind for over 20 years. I hate it because in all honesty I should be dead by now. Of all the issues I have and all the surgeries I've needed, I should have died. I feel dead inside anyway. Any sort of happiness I have is deep deep deep inside of me.

I hate my body for failing me over and over. Ive battled loving myself because I honestly don't feel I'm worth loving. My entire life has been written around the chronic pain and chronic illnesses I have. All the time wasted going to doctors who are losers and diagnosed me wrong. All the wasted money spent, all of the days wasted lying in bed. My life has been nothing like I wanted it to be.

I will likely get flack for writing this but, at least with cancer the end is coming sooner than later. With chronic pain you are left to suffer for as long as one can hold out on their own. And it is that person's decision if they can get through it all and make it look on their own. I

I love my children. At this point though I feel like they deserve someone better than me. What kind of life can I give them when I can't give life to my own inner soul? How can I share kindness when all my life ive known only to resent doctors and who have failed me as I was growing up. I have tried over and over to "pretend" I am happy. Pretend what I am doing is really helping me. But the whole while its just me inside wishing I wasn't doing anything because of the stupid fucking pain is what dictates my own life. PAIN is the leader in my life. PAIN is what I know and am familiar with. What is this happy nonsense people talk about?

Do you honestly think anyone and everyone can have a life that is happy and care free? I never learned how to manage my physical and mental pain because NO ONE BELIEVED ME ANYWAY.

The whole time I am desperately waiting for someone to help me, all that could have been spent teaching me how to love life and be unconditionally grateful. What I am grateful for is my kids hopefully never go through what I did. Sometimes I think it would be better for them if they did⁸⁸⁸I I 9am I⁸89n't have to watch me suffer or loose my patience because of the pain I cant control and what is destroying me from the inside out.

I find myself believing ill have more peace then I have ever had in my life, when I think about the END of my story. When I can finally let go of all the stress and anxiety and depression this life has pushed onto me. All of this has made me the woman I never wanted to be. I've always believed my life would end sooner rather than later.

My only hope is when it becomes my time to go, my kids won't see me suffering anymore. Won't have to deal with my up and down moods anymore. My unpredictable moods.. Their lives would become more stable without me. Maybe one day they will understand why I felt like I couldn't keep going.

Sometimes no matter how much therapy or medications you take, your destiny is to not have a destiny. That you are not meant to make an impact on others or be someone to look up to. Sometimes you are just meant to live and then die. At this point, I am so tired mentally and physically, that im okay with it.