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Is it fibromyalgia??

My gosh y'all...I have been on Lyrica 50mg and neurologist said to bump it up to 75mg morning and night. I took the 50mg this morning (havent picked up the 75mg yet) and omg...I felt drunk and slow and incredibly sleepy. I still feel that way. I have one more function report to finish Wish me luck with disability decision.

I had a nightmare last night about being one minute too late to turn in my paperwork. I woke up sweaty. I got more documents today...that are due in 2 days. Not sure where it went when it got mailed on Dec 1st. I have been able to sleep more now that I am not working. I feel like I can concentrate better but then I get another painful flare and I cant stand it. My depression drops like a brick. My anxiety rises like a rocket. All at one time. My worries are maybe this time the pain won't go away. Scared to the nth degree. So I haven't commented on my Thanksgiving break because I felt bad I couldn't get around well. Walking felt incredibly hard. I was embarrassed because they got a wheelchair for me before a show we went to. And then a wheelchair afterwards. We had to walk to the hotel. I wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry. Its mainly out of frustration. I was having a hard time walking just to get to the other side of a building. How pathetic is that? Anyway I need to work on my paperwork for this crazy disability stuff.

So I want to be clear I am conversing with me therapist and psychiatrist about my feelings. I just want to keep it as real as possible here. So people see the truth. I got 10 big blood vials filled today. Checking all types of inflammation stuff. So how does one exercise when it hurts to move on a regular basis? Like flu ache pain. Not just sore or tired. Actual inflammation in my joints and muscles.... I'm gonna look for water therapy ....

The only thing I could think about is how id like to die in a place like this. Its far from where my life is and fresher air to rejoin gaia.

I should feel something here. Amazement or happiness...but I dont. I am emotional because I am realizing I really do feel gone. A realization that I really do see a world that I do not belong too. Did I ever belong?

I wish I could enjoy my life more. More often than not I dont find life worth being excited for. I know my family would have a better time in life if I wasn't in it. I often feel like I am not supposed to have any good thoughts cause they wont last long anyway. I stopped thinking optimistic a long time ago.

I dont think anyone truly understands how angry and frustrated I am as a person. 99% of the time I want silence around me. Even hearing conversations near me trigger my frustration and irritability. That is no one else's problem except my own. And I realize this. It doesn't help my bladder is hurting and my body is hurting. I feel like everyone should go on vacation and enjoy themselves while I stay behind. Who wants to be around someone like me? Someone who gets so frustrated and nearly hateful if I get to my lowest boiling point. Alot of the time I feel like im meant to be alone. Its rare for me to act like a happy-go-lucky person. How can I be that way when I have hated my body and mind for over 20 years. I hate it because in all honesty I should be dead by now. Of all the issues I have and all the surgeries I've needed, I should have died. I feel dead inside anyway. Any sort of happiness I have is deep deep deep inside of me. I hate my body for failing me over and over. Ive battled loving myself because I honestly don't feel I'm worth loving. My entire life has been written around the chronic pain and chronic illnesses I have. All the time wasted going to doctors who are losers and diagnosed me wrong. All the wasted money spent, all of the days wasted lying in bed. My life has been nothing like I wanted it to be. I will likely get flack for writing this but, at least with cancer the end is coming sooner than later. With chronic pain you are left to suffer for as long as one can hold out on their own. And it is that person's decision if they can get through it all and make it look on their own. I I love my children. At this point though I feel like they deserve someone better than me. What kind of life can I give them when I can't give life to my own inner soul? How can I share kindness when all my life ive known only to resent doctors and who have failed me as I was growing up. I have tried over and over to "pretend" I am happy. Pretend what I am doing is really helping me. But the whole while its just me inside wishing I wasn't doing anything because of the stupid fucking pain is what dictates my own life. PAIN is the leader in my life. PAIN is what I know and am familiar with. What is this happy nonsense people talk about? Do you honestly think anyone and everyone can have a life that is happy and care free? I never learned how to manage my physical and mental pain because NO ONE BELIEVED ME ANYWAY. The whole time I am desperately waiting for someone to help me, all that could have been spent teaching me how to love life and be unconditionally grateful. What I am grateful for is my kids hopefully never go through what I did. Sometimes I think it would be better for them if they did⁸⁸⁸I I 9am I⁸89n't have to watch me suffer or loose my patience because of the pain I cant control and what is destroying me from the inside out. I find myself believing ill have more peace then I have ever had in my life, when I think about the END of my story. When I can finally let go of all the stress and anxiety and depression this life has pushed onto me. All of this has made me the woman I never wanted to be. I've always believed my life would end sooner rather than later. My only hope is when it becomes my time to go, my kids won't see me suffering anymore. Won't have to deal with my up and down moods anymore. My unpredictable moods.. Their lives would become more stable without me. Maybe one day they will understand why I felt like I couldn't keep going. Sometimes no matter how much therapy or medications you take, your destiny is to not have a destiny. That you are not meant to make an impact on others or be someone to look up to. Sometimes you are just meant to live and then die. At this point, I am so tired mentally and physically, that im okay with it.

I took a 2 hour hot bath. I put enough epsom salt I floated without any effort. I get faint in showers so I have to take baths to be safe. My white hair is finally shining through. I decided to stop coloring my hair after I had my thyroid removed in 2019. But, it took a while to get enough white hairs that I could tell anything. Apparently there is a big circle spot on the back of my head I can't see that has been white for a while.

I am so excited. I got a new cane that will fold up! Gonna take it on our trip to see my grandmother this Thanksgiving.

Well its day 3 or 4? Of my swollen eye. Gives me a migraine with one contact in. -12 in one eye and -1 in the other (with contact). I hate being dependent on contacts. This rarely happens though so I can at least say that. I bet I was crying and I got something in it. Ive been crying a lot lately. Mostly frustrated by my situation. Need to get to my doc appt to go over my bloodwork but i can't drive like this. Blahhhh I've noticed my fingers are getting stiffer and difficult to close lately. My knuckles have a radiating pain about them.. i can feel my lower back sharp pounding pain along with my left hand fingers and knuckles and down my left leg. Today is going to be a rough day. I can feel the pain in my muscles and tissues. Not just the joints. Gotta have a good attitude though. Try an try... for the kids.