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It has been a while since I last posted. I am tired. Went to see family on my partner's side. He has a huge family, so it was very eventful, but also torture for my body. I used my cane for the most part. I am down to 50 mg of Lyrica a day. Furthermore, I feel like I can function a bit better, but still incredibly fatigued. We had to travel on two planes there and back. On the way back, it was torture. Every couple hours, I changed between Tylenol and ibuprofen and Flexeril. It was a painful visit for my body, but much needed for my soul and mind. I was able to just sit back and try to enjoy myself. It is hard to do with kids around, though. So apart of me will forever be a bit stressed out. Especially for someone like me with complex PTSD. The other night I had a nightmare my mother got a hold of all my medical records and was trying to keep me from getting disability, which could not be further from the truth by the way. She is praying for my disability to go through. But I woke up in a slight sweat and my heart was already racing, making my morning and afternoon feel off. That feeling something is not right...but you can not get rid of the thought. I knew it was just a nightmare, but it also had me pleading to my mom everything I said was true. In my dream, she did not believe me and nothing could change her mind. I remember crying and pleading with her on my knees in my nightmare. Awful. It brought up all those times I pleaded with my previous doctors to help me, that I was not crazy...that my depression was secondary to my pain. I was told I should try writing a memoir. Well I started. Now I am determined to write at least two pages a day. Maybe more on a good day. I am currently in the process of writing an outline. I have no idea how to really write. Not only that, but I am not a writer in general, I got C's in English and creative writing in school. All I do is write from my heart and hope it is understood. I hope it doesn't make people cry for the wrong reasons or laugh when I did not intend it to be funny... oye. I feel like I have lost myself after being pregnant with my daughter...sickness has really taken over. Well, I'm crossing my fingers I am making the right decisions to write a memoir. I see a doctor for weight loss on Friday. The memoir will cover my journey through that as well.

My body since yesterday's has felt on the verge of fainting. My hands are starting to feel cold and weak. Mike got me toast and orange juice. I ate one piece and a little orange juice. I cant walk without feeling tipsy. Not safe to drive. Took lexapro, welbutrin and lyrica. My usual morning meds. Trying to eat a banana. Starting to feel nauseous. I'm legit worried this time. Something doesnt feel right. Oh and I'm bleeding in my intestines. Been happen on and off for years. Been told maybe hemorrhoids deep inside? Nothing obvious. Sorry TMI. Not like many follow me. Ha. My mind feels intact. Maybe this is just neuropathy? Something doesnt feel right though. I don't feel right. Fuzzy all over, hands cold, feel on the cusp of fainting, cant walk straight, let alone drive my kids to school. My mind feels intact. My hands are so cold. Im.so tired. I hate doctors. I dont want to go to the er. They treat me like a fool .but this is different

I'm so so tired. Mentally and physically. I feel like I'm not supposed to be here. The past couple months I have had 6 epidurals in my lower spine TWICE. Then had those nerves burnt. They attempted to put me in twilight sedation but for my left side I felt everything. It was as if there were no numbing. But I am sure there was. My right side felt better in days. I didnt have nearly as much pain even after walking. My left side is another story. I have not had any relief. Maybe it is a nerve above it or below it? Hell can they just burn them all? I tried to walk around a craft fair on sunday. Did I walk too much? It is Monday today and I am in SO.MUCH.PAIN. I felt like I was going to pass out from the pain a little bit ago. Got to my chair and just started staring at my ceiling. I can tell I am starting to dissociate. I'm starting to feel weird like I am not fully here. I am functional but feeling so outside of myself. I've been getting this way I lot when I get overwhelmed or overstimulated. I just cant help thinking, is this it?

I am going to be uploading video blogs on YouTube. I dont have a set schedule but I figured I want to make sure others know you are not alone! Check out my youtube channel and I apologize it is not all set up how I want it yet. I will be uploading the videos I did on here onto YouTube as well. My YouTube Channel

So I was reading an article about how relatable fibromyalgia and being bi polar are similar. Now do not get all defensive or excited about it. Hear me out. Fibromyalgia pain comes and goes like bi-polar has its ups and downs. Sometimes you can feel the top of the world, like you were never sick. You can give and receive hugs without wincing in pain, (as much). You can clean the house. Do what "normal" people do on a regular basis. But then there are the nights and days where you start falling into a black hole. Your body starts to feel as if it is crumbling into nothing. Your tendons and muscles start to throb and sting as if they are being lit on fire. Then you remember why you are depressed. Why you have anxiety. Why you feel you are unable to make plans. Why you cant keep a job. Why you have trouble remembering things or learning something new. Why you feel you cant be the best "you". Your brain is being overstimulated and used to fuel your central nervous system to essentially trick you into thinking your body is falling apart. In large ways it is... but in others it is just the pain receptors. Research has found the following characteristics in both bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia: Abnormalities in central nervous system structures that regulate pain and emotional control Difficulty managing stress Alterations in monoamine neurotransmission pathways, which can affect concentration, pain, and sleep Impairment in how the brain adapts to experiences and changes Metabolic and cardiovascular issues Inflammation A 2020 Study stated that environmental risk factors, such as trauma during childhood, affected people with bipolar disorder or fibromyalgia more frequently than the general population. I know its exhausting. We are our own doctors most of us. We need to keep moving forward. Crossing my fingers new research will continue to enlighten us.

No one cares of my struggles. Why do I do this? Everyone has someone else they love more. Who they prioritize more. I'm just a small person in this world. Insignificant and plain.

It's hard to he a mom when you are trying to get passed all of these hurdles in front of you. I feel like it's not worth talking about when I really do need to tall to someone...because it's so hard to understand sometimes. I've been in a lot of pain the past several weeks. I cant sleep at night from leg pain. I had a steroid shot in my lower spine and it didnt do anything for the pain. I think that helps seal the deal it is the fibromyalgia causing the problems not inflammation. I found out about ketamine infusions not long ago. It is expensive of course. As is most things that can help with pain and helping people actually achieve good results. I am desperate at this point. I can feel myself falling back into a dark hole of depression I've worked so hard to get out of. I keep thinking my kids shouldn't see me suffering like this. Trying to find excuses for my depression and lack of worth. A friend of mine suggested a GoFundMe for the ketamine infusions. So I guess I will try that. I dont have anything else to loose by doing this. Like I said. I am desperate and want a normal day. Just a normal day would be great. Not my normal..but everyone else's normal. Does that make sense?? https://gofund.me/3430de1f

I just started two more evening medications for interstitial cystitis. It's been BAD lately. Amitriptyline and hydroxyzine at night. I take 8 pills each day. By theory I shouldn't be alive at this point. I am not complaining but it all sedated me so bad :-( I am painting furniture. My body is aching so bad and my OCD and adhd is making things way harder than it should be. I set a design in my mind then half way I suddenly change it without giving it a real thought. Extremely frustrating. If I ever finish I will post some updated pictures. It's taking me forever as well because my bladder hurts and my back is killing me when I try to do this stuff. I do feel like I am getting stronger but I've been in so much pain. Seeing a vein specialist! I didn't realize how many and how bad the vericose veins have gotten in my legs and behind my knees. All these days of being sedentary due to pain has not been nice on my blood vessels. Likely why my legs hurt so damn much. I keep twisting my feet around as if it's going to stop the pain and it never does. Also some off and on restless leg syndrome. I hope you all are doing okay. Leave me a comment and let me know how you are doing. My cat is staring at me. Scary.

Well I've been getting stronger physically. Yesterday was my daughter's 5th birthday and I got a lot if stuff done. Moved her bedroom around to fit her new things. Last night and today I am paying for it. My body feels like I climbed a mountain. The nerve in my face on the left side is stinging even. My shoulders and elbows are aching. My fingers and wrists are burning. I knew I was going to hurt today but not this bad. I sent a msg to my pain management and hoping they give me something more than tramadol. I hate feeling like this. I feel like I've got growing pain times 1000. My legs are swollen. Got the cyst on the palm of my right hand bothering me. Hard to use my cane because I should be using my right hand for it. But i cant. Stupid dots of pain all over my arms. Honestly I am not sure anymore what they are. I used to think lipomas but they are so round and small and nearly identical but all over my arms. Anyway. Took tizanidine and cbd gummies. Hoping it yelps and i can rest.

So body has been doing okay this week. Had to change around my muscle relaxers etc. Trying to exercise a bit more. Hopefully I won't have the throbbing pain and burning. Getting more sleep lately which is great. Purposefully pushing myself to play a game. Right now I am playing Assassins creed Valhalla. Its definitely not Black Flag or have the beauty of Odyssey. Given I am 1/4th Swedish I take a certain pride in playing a viking. Games have always been my sanity lifeline when I was younger and in pain. At one point I had more friends "online" playing world of warcraft 18 years ago. Wait, what?? I remember playing world of warcraft for the first time after Christmas morning like it was yesterday. I even remember I was chewing on frozen jerky my dad bought from a family owned butchery. He had it FedExed from Utah to California every year for nearly 10 years. It was that good. My long term memory is massive and I can remember things from 30 years ago as if I just did it. But short term memory? Trying to memorize things gives me a migriane. It's weird. So I'm debating on keeping up with Valhalla, playing twin peaks theme hospital, civilization.... I dont play WoW anymore.... it's gotten so massive and I haven't played it religiously since the battlegrounds were introduced. Okay. Yes I'm a nerd. I used to pretty much have all my friends via ventrillo. Esp when I would start to talk and the new players in our guild realized I really was a girl.... they would stop talking and then I would hear a, "whaaat??? A girl???!!". As if girls are unable to enjoy a fantasy game just as much as a fantasy book. It was fun though and I had a ton of laughs. Esp when i was in pain. I would donmy best to hide it. I still remember even having to tell my online friends I couldn't play because I was in too much pain too concentrate. But, for the most part it did help me get my mind off of it and keep my brain busy so I didnt totally become a mute and incapable of somewhat normal human interaction. sleep now. I haven't been able to sleep in my bed for weeks now. I am sleeping in the recliner. My back is hating me if i sleep in the bed. Gotta get some firmer pillows maybe.

1. “I’m done.” 2. “I’m exhausted.” 3. “I can’t take the pain anymore.” 4. “I just want to disappear.” 5. “I don’t want to live like this.” 6. “I’ve had enough.” 7. “I’m fine.” 8. “I’m just so tired.” 9. “This is not ‘living." 10. “I don’t know if I can keep going.” 11. “I’m sorry I’m sick.” 12. “I can’t do this anymore.” 13. "I can't be there for my kids like I want to be." 14. "It is hard to be patient with chronic pain." 15. " I wish I was able to think clearly." 16. " I wish I was a better mom." 17. "My kids deserve more than I can offer them." One day I feel well enough to move a bit more than usual. The next day I hurt and swell up in my joints and they started to throb. I just waste away in my bed. Wanting to be forgotten. All these phrases have gone through my mind everyday the past year. If only when I was a child I had people who wanted to help fix me. Maybe I would at least have a better attitude about it all. Maybe I would have learned to be more patient. Everytime I try to act happy I feel like im faking it. And I actually feel embarrassed for pretending to be happy. Or laugh about something. When all I want to do is run away. Yesterday I had a panic attack because I didn't want anyone to look at me. I tried to wear a nicer outfit and I almost changed to something else because I am disgusted with myself how much weight I've gained and I also know my feet and legs were going to hurt and swell the second I start to walk in them. I was faking a smile the whole time. Faking I am okay. Just a fake. These days I feel like being happy is against some sort of moral code in my thoughts. All my life I had to fake how I felt until my pain got so bad I couldn't hide it anymore. I'm tired of faking how I feel. I am frustrated. I had to quit my job, I can not provide for myself.  My kids deserve better than me.

A little happiness today. We are moving...but that isn't what I am taking about. I cant explain how much stuff I have donated. I've been sitting on the living room floor in thr middle surrounded by clothes and boxes organized with, "Donate" "Junk" and "Keep" My new friend Lori is an Angel if there ever was one. She had the energy i wish I had. Started gabapentin again. Very low doses though. I think for me lower is better than what I used to take. I know sometimes you don't need a lot of something to feel relief. And that is not all of it.... I have been going through every box making sure we donate and throw away and keep what we should keep. Mike wanted me to throw it all away. But I have found several items that he wanted to keep he forgot about. Told him so. I am glad I have the ability to at least sit on the floor and sort things. I need a blanket though my butt and hips hurt man. I saw a rheumatologist. He is nice. He is the one that put me back on gabapentin. He thinks my main issue is fibromyalgia and some sort of neurological condition we are currently trying to figure out. Hope everyone is doing okay. Hugs!